When I saw this job ad in the internet, I took the impulse of clicking it. My heart skipped and raced in excitement. It said "FLUENT ENGLISH WRITER"-needed. Why, I love to write ever since I can remember! It's been 6 months since I came home. When I looked around, the house is not yet done but it would be fine. The kids are now enjoying their classes more than their home school days. I lingered for a long while moving the mouse pointer around the ad. The company hiring is FASHION ONE FOUNDATION. I thought of my resume, the background was 18 years of technical function and teaching English in China is not even close of a writer. FASHION. What has fashion got to do with me? I am not even updated on fashion brands or latest fads. My inner self wants to know if I was right, I started hitting the keys."You Google it" as they commonly say, and searching for FASHION ONE was quite easy. After a few browsing, my heart sunk. The people in their FB page are all awesomely fabulous. I noticed the world surrounding them is fashion. If I am going to write something about fashion video clips, i would certainly be a fish out of water. I laughed out loud not because i am happy but rather by the fact that this time i want to try something new. I attached my resume and clicked the send button. All I know is I love to write. Writing to me is the easiest way to express myself. I was thrilled.. i have hopes.. ready to start and ready to fail!
It is autumn, the leaves of the Maple trees are of beautiful bright red. It tantalizes viewers as the light of the setting sun shines right through the trees. As I go walk around and step on the dry leaves, I love the crunching sound of it. I sat on the ground and gazed all around me. I lifted my face and felt the warm rays of the sun. I closed my eyes and imagined myself. It should be a wonderful sight, me on a throne of different shades of autumn, crowned by the tender glimpses of the late afternoon light, carried away by the cool and gentle breeze that promises the night.
As I walk home, I can’t help but admire the clean pathways, freshly replaced red bricks that added colors as I walk. It’s almost dark and the lights of the skyscrapers are turning on, one by one. Suddenly they are visible. It is not that they disappear at daylight but with the smog around, there is nothing interesting to see. It somehow makes me long for the all year summer in Cebu where there is lot of sun by day and lots of stars by night. Soon it will be winter. How time flies! The very thought of the chilly air it brings gives bitterness to my heart. It usually is the most uncomfortable time of the year for me. We need to wear layers of clothes to warm us up. It eats up time to put clothes on and when it’s done, I would look fluffy and fat. However, I look forward to snow. It paints the place all white. Suddenly, the gloom will turn to bright. The gracefulness of the falling snowflakes decorates the trees so peacefully. The picture won’t be complete if my footsteps are not on the ground. These will be memories that I will keep. It won’t be long and I will be going back to Cebu. No more change of seasons, autumn leaves nor snow. The good thing is I would be leaving on spring time. It is my favorite season of the year. I would take my time then, visit the places as long as I can. It would be nice to smell the fresh air mixed with the scent of the new grown leaves for the last time. Pamper myself by lying down on bed of violets, run around fully blossomed Sakura trees and bring home yellow and red roses. It would be hard to say goodbye, to all the familiar faces that makes the place home. Funny, for 7 years, I have not learned Mandarin but for a few survival words. Yet, amazingly, there are those I choose to call trusted locals. The smile and the kind gestures that they give are enough to make me feel I belong. No need for words. I will not stop writing. I will not stop describing the world as I see it. How it inspires me to live, to feel and to move on. Wherever I maybe, whenever I can! When i was young, i draw a lot. My favorite subjects were landscapes and faces. I was very good in making a girl but found it hard to make a boy. In a tender age of 9, i attempted to make my own comic book. My illustrations and story in one.
When i met Silts, i have known that he likes to sketch and paint. He likes making comic books too. His pieces where way over mine. He have shared that one of his dreams is to have a "One Man Show". I secretly prayed for this at the same time, for him. It was 15 years ago. Now, we have much lot more precious things to share. Raising 4 kids, dreams and fantasies are still there, within us and within our children. I can see in our children's eyes the dreams we once had way back then. I realized we are both growing...expanding. Our hopes now are not just mine or his. But ours... The kids' talents mimic ours. However, they are like an upgrade, way too high. It is something that i am so happy about. This is so special. A family thing that we can share but cannot give. I can see that this is who we are. Will be. Have you ever wanted something so bad? Yet you can't have it but got something else instead? Something that you are made to believe that it is much worth having than the one you have wished for? It is just like "Eat the veggies..it is healthier than the burgers!"
What an awful feeling....Tell you guys, it does not only happen to children. Take it from me! It actually made me feel so stupid ...and coward...dumb....what else??? There was one time last year during the hot summer days when again i was reminded on my lack of hospitality.
There was this delivery man who came in sweating and panting from the heat of the sun. I figured out later that he walked with the heavy basket all the way from the neighborhood gate to the second floor of where our apartment is. As he was done with the delivery, he made gestures pointing to the air conditioner in our living room. Silly me, i have not understood what he meant and happily told him to go already since i found the delivery complete and in good condition. He hesitated for awhile and did not go out as i have gestured him to do so i gradually opened the front door wide and waited for him to go out. Again it was too late for me to realize that what he needs (in all his pointing the sofa and the air conditioner) is to just stay for awhile inside our house so that he can rest and let cool before going back to the heat of the sun. As soon as i figured out, my heart sunk again! (not again, i thought). I started running downstairs to call the man so that i can accommodate him inside. Too late, i just saw his back far away from our block in the midst of the glaring sun! As if adding pain to injury, my mom told me that he saw the man sat down at the stairs downstairs while drinking his glass of tea, resting. This time, i cried. I can't believe myself to be so insensitive to others' needs. I can't accept that i do not have the common sense of understanding what people needs even though it is already being shown to me right before my very eyes.... How many times will God give me lessons like this? It is so eating me up...When will i ever learn? Last night the Bisdak BS was an enjoyable one. The topics discussed made us realize that we have always been provided with more than enough so that it would not be hard for us to share it to others. As i heard everyone share their own act of generosity, i can't help but recall my experience that i just could not forget. I guess i really would not for the rest of my life.
One night, i was walking back home passing a part of the sidewalk where there was just a dim light. (I am never scared walking here in China since i really feel safe and the place is so nice to walk at). Suddenly two people approached me and pointed at the plastic bag i was bringing ( i just bought some bread and groceries) they made a sign language as if they are eating. (the person was a man i guess in his late thirties and the lady was in her late teens). I was quiet confused on what they wanted from me since i couldn't understand what they were talking about. When the man sensed that i just did not get what they were talking about, he suddenly opened the plastic bag i was holding and started sorting out the groceries inside. I was in some sort of a shock and panic since i was not used on strangers doing this to me. I was startled (since if i were in the Philippines, this would already be dangerous specially in a place with few people) and sudden bad thoughts swept over me. The man gestured that the lady was hungry and he needed to give her something to eat. As i looked at the lady (Just a little more than a girl) she was already bowing her head and thanking me a lot of times already. I realized that they needed food. The man took a pack of biscuits and a loaf of bread. Silly me, (or am i really that selfish?) i thought the pack of biscuits would already be enough for the girl so i grab the loaf of bread back from the man and put it inside the bag.(anyway i bought these food for my family) I hurried walking back home since i was still a little shaken. When i reached the gate of our neighborhood, i began to realize that maybe the man was also hungry and he needed that loaf of bread. ( i still can't forget the feel of his grasp at the bread while i forced to take it back from him). I felt sudden guilt and concern that i ran back to the dark alley hoping i can still get hold of the two but with no avail. How heavy were my footsteps as i went home. How can i be so cold? How can i be so slow in realizing that they are just people who were hungry and seeking for a bit of generosity from me? I hug the plastic bag and felt the loaves of bread inside. There were bottles of water too. I could have willingly gave to them all the bread and the waters. Even the rest of the biscuits.....Do they have a place to sleep tonight? My mind wondered also that maybe they were just robbed (since they are not dressed like beggars) and the robbers took all their money. Until now, i can't forget that incident. As always, when i remember those people, i feel guilty and so much shame of myself. It would just be impossible to make up to them. Helping other people is not a big help at all. Still, my heart feel so heavy and it makes me so sad. Was God testing me back then and i failed? Was that a lesson to awaken myself? To be sensitive to others? To not just think about myself? I have always thought i am generous but on that day, i realized i am naturally selfish. For if i was not, my reaction would be pity to those people and would give all i have then without hesitation. Now, if i look at the mirror, i remind myself to keep on changing. Change for the best for i know it is still not too late... Last night i dreamt that i was crossing a brook. The water was so clean and cold it felt so fresh on my feet. I can see the crystal clear water flowing over scattered rocks and polished pebbles. The air was so cool and it feels so light. I was never so happy in such a place specially when there are green trees surrounding me that smells so like a new morning under a warm sunrise... when suddenly it felt like there were hands grabbing my feet i can't move. I was so desperate to walk across the other side and join my friends when i heard a voice saying, "Remove your jewelries and you can cross the waters safely." Right after i did so, (i noticed that i was wearing a complete set of flowery gems all over my body) i ran and joined my friends.
My own interpretation: I think this means that i already have all that i need and even wanted in my life. Wanting more is no longer necessary and it would just get me in trouble one day. I o not need to desire more and i do not need to compete with others. True friends are those that would be there regardless of my status. It is very convenient to order online here in China. There is a grocery store here named Auchan that gives home delivery services. The first time i bought online, it gave me a sense of relief (that means no more riding on the e-bike with a lot of bags on hand) since it made my life easier.
However, since i do not understand mandarin, there is a problem on communication. If it happens that they deliver a wrong item, i do not know how to say it properly. I was actually happy to know one day that i can just refuse and give back the item to the delivery man without any complain from him. In fact, i have not met a delivery man that is not very considerate. No issue with the payment on situations like this. The delivery men are authorized cashiers and they just deduct the amount of the returned item from the total bill. :) One day, (i did not know what came over me) i just received the items without checking. It was to my great dismay that i found out later that out of the 20 items i bought, they only delivered 19! As i checked the online record, my anger grew when i learned that the diapers is the item missing. My anger grew to frustration since the diaper is the most expensive and important item that i need. (And i happily signed the receipt when delivered). You do not know how angry i was to myself for being so lazy to check. RMB 50.00 is already a big amount for me! I even walk from In City to our place just to save RMB 10.00 for the taxi fee or RMB 2.00 for the bus fee....and now ? I tried doing something though i know that it would be very difficult and frustrating. I tried calling the Auchan hotline and look for someone who knows how to speak english. I was transferred several times and i dialled a lot of extensions. (No one knows how to speak english) They kept on passing me around! Though i knew this would happen, i never gave up. I tried to be a good girl dialling the numbers until i talked to the Customer Service Manager. When i learned that she is a manager, a tiny hope burned inside me. (Surely, she would know how to speak english) I tried explaining to her what happened, but to my greatest disappointment, she only knows a few english. Talking to her was useless....much worse...she banged the phone on me! She did not even asked my name, or where i live, or what was my order no.,.... I was actually ready to cry. I know now that it was not because of the RMB 50.00 why i was so frustrated about. It was because i did not do what was right (where was my common sense?)....and because i did not try my best to learn Mandarin in my 4 years of stay here......and how i fuss so much on ways how to save...... With a heavy heart, i slept. ( I always do, when i feel bad inside) I woke up when my kid told me that the delivery guy came back and handed over the missing diaper. How happy i was when i touched it! This diaper....SEALER diaper...he he he he I was so amazed to learn that there are people honest enough to do the right thing. If i think of the delivery man, i can smile. People who are trustworthy can easily make a frustrated person happy! :) They deserve a hug!! Funny but i have been having dreams revealing my fear of heights. Last night, i dreamt that i was on an escalator inside a mall and suddenly it got dettached from the floor! I was too scared to open my eyes and see how far i was from the ground floor. All i did was cling on the rails while i lay face down. I have lots of this kinds, may it be me on top of a steep mountain fighting for my life, wrapping myself around a tall pole so that i won't slide down or the most common is when i find myself standing on rooftop of a tall building, my feet near on slipping and i am about to fall..what is so troublesome is that sometimes my children is with me which keeps my hands full trying hard to make them safe leaving my feet the only chance left fighting to cling on something so that we will not all fall...
My own Interpretation: I think i am living in fear that i cannot protect my children enough in their lives. I am scared that i might not be the mother that i wanted to be. My greatest fear in life is to die early and leave my children behind with no one to care of them like i wanted to. I am also worried that along the way i may fail in raising them as good people someday. Yesterday we had our weekly "Pinoy Women's Fellowship in Suzhou". The topic discussed was so touchy and i was somewhat affected by it that i can't shake it off my mind until today. Maybe it was because the thoughts have been in my head for quiet a long time, and i just kind of realized that i really have to let it out of my heart just to feel relieved. The subject was all about " Parents/Children in Values of Kindness".
The discussion was not actually titled that way (There is no title, just a random discussion within the circle) i just made it up but it was more or less about it. Well, i would like to share my inner point of view on this. Something that i have been dying to air out but just could not since everybody has each and her own opinion on this. I might as well write it down in here (This is my space, after all). However, everyone is so free to say what's on their minds. :) For me, taking care of the parents is never an obligation for the children. It pains my heart to call it an "obligation". Obligation sounds like paying taxes, paying the bills, etc...hello? Is there an emotion attached to the word obligation? yup there is..i wonder what we feel about (just an example) paying the taxes? Well it is a must..we are raised to understand the importance in doing so and the consequences we get into if we do not. Yet, can you relate yourself paying it with overwhelming love? I hope you got my point. My point is, i do not need to tell my children to take care of me in the future. It is not something that i teach them verbally like a subject in school. I do not like the idea of it doing so ( as much as i want them to take care of me ). I would like them to figure it out by themselves. (You know, without a hint from me?). I want them to do it freely. Out of the love that they feel for us. It is a challenge, don't you think? For us parents to let our children feel love and kindness without us telling them how to do it? I always believe that whatever parents say to the children starting at a young age will penetrate their minds, specially if told over and over again. It is sometimes called conditioning the mind or shall we say, "brainwashing". It is an effective way for parents in planting discipline to children. If i may say, majority of the parents do that out of the desire in raising the kids right. For me, it is fair enough. It is something that we need to say and even write down for kids to understand. (like posting house rules at the door?) However, the children's desire to take care of us do not come out of discipline. It comes out of kindness. Kindness comes out of love. All of it comes out from the heart. Values. It is the values that we show to them that counts most. Teaching values to children is most taught by being shown. For our case, (we may not be perfect) we try hard to let the children know that we care for their lolo and lolas when we let them hear us pray for them. ( and now, they always include them in their prayers), they know that we have been giving monthly allowances to their lolo since they reminded us to send it one day...(LOL), they were worried when their lola was admitted in the hospital and asked " mama, do you think she is alright? do we still have enough money to give her?"....something that they knew we (as the children of their lola) have to do even without telling them so. Do you think it is so touching when i cried one day knowing my siblings in Cebu are in need of money and they assured me, "Do not worry mama, i am sure papa will help. He always do." Where did those words come from? Do you think when they grow up, they will turn their backs on us? I believe, my children will have a heart to help people in need and not just family. Anyway they can. So now tell me, would it be a wonderful feeling to give our children natural freedom? I belong to a filipino family and i am proud of it. It is in our family traditions to take care of parents as part of values implanted on us. Yet i believe in making a better future, we need to be responsible parents. We need to work hard to prepare ourselves when we get old, giving our children space to build life for themselves and a family of their own. As parents, it is our responsibility to be there for our children to help them start a new life and guide them in molding their own family values. It would be a dream to be able to extend financial aids (not the other way around) to those that need it badly and lift them up. Don't you think our children deserves it? Responsible parenthood is another family value that is important to teach our children. Telling them to take care of us is just like showing them how irresponsible we are. How are we going to teach them the value of "responsibility"?. For me, telling them in such a way is just like making them feel that i fear they will not take care of me in the future. Children is so sensitive to parents' emotions and fear is not one of those that i like my children to learn. As early as now, i have to show them how to be strong. Being strong is a value that our children needs to carry on. Let us show them how to plan. Let us show them how we intend to raise them, how we worked to save for the future. Let us show them how we will prepare ourselves when we grow old. It would teach them the value of time, value of money, value of planning, value of friendship, loyalty, obedience...life,love, all in one. Let it carry on...to our children...to our children's children.....it will give a difference! |