Last night the Bisdak BS was an enjoyable one. The topics discussed made us realize that we have always been provided with more than enough so that it would not be hard for us to share it to others. As i heard everyone share their own act of generosity, i can't help but recall my experience that i just could not forget. I guess i really would not for the rest of my life.
One night, i was walking back home passing a part of the sidewalk where there was just a dim light. (I am never scared walking here in China since i really feel safe and the place is so nice to walk at). Suddenly two people approached me and pointed at the plastic bag i was bringing ( i just bought some bread and groceries) they made a sign language as if they are eating. (the person was a man i guess in his late thirties and the lady was in her late teens). I was quiet confused on what they wanted from me since i couldn't understand what they were talking about. When the man sensed that i just did not get what they were talking about, he suddenly opened the plastic bag i was holding and started sorting out the groceries inside. I was in some sort of a shock and panic since i was not used on strangers doing this to me. I was startled (since if i were in the Philippines, this would already be dangerous specially in a place with few people) and sudden bad thoughts swept over me. The man gestured that the lady was hungry and he needed to give her something to eat. As i looked at the lady (Just a little more than a girl) she was already bowing her head and thanking me a lot of times already. I realized that they needed food. The man took a pack of biscuits and a loaf of bread. Silly me, (or am i really that selfish?) i thought the pack of biscuits would already be enough for the girl so i grab the loaf of bread back from the man and put it inside the bag.(anyway i bought these food for my family) I hurried walking back home since i was still a little shaken.
When i reached the gate of our neighborhood, i began to realize that maybe the man was also hungry and he needed that loaf of bread. ( i still can't forget the feel of his grasp at the bread while i forced to take it back from him). I felt sudden guilt and concern that i ran back to the dark alley hoping i can still get hold of the two but with no avail. How heavy were my footsteps as i went home. How can i be so cold? How can i be so slow in realizing that they are just people who were hungry and seeking for a bit of generosity from me? I hug the plastic bag and felt the loaves of bread inside. There were bottles of water too. I could have willingly gave to them all the bread and the waters. Even the rest of the biscuits.....Do they have a place to sleep tonight? My mind wondered also that maybe they were just robbed (since they are not dressed like beggars) and the robbers took all their money.
Until now, i can't forget that incident. As always, when i remember those people, i feel guilty and so much shame of myself. It would just be impossible to make up to them. Helping other people is not a big help at all. Still, my heart feel so heavy and it makes me so sad. Was God testing me back then and i failed? Was that a lesson to awaken myself? To be sensitive to others? To not just think about myself?
I have always thought i am generous but on that day, i realized i am naturally selfish. For if i was not, my reaction would be pity to those people and would give all i have then without hesitation. Now, if i look at the mirror, i remind myself to keep on changing. Change for the best for i know it is still not too late...
One night, i was walking back home passing a part of the sidewalk where there was just a dim light. (I am never scared walking here in China since i really feel safe and the place is so nice to walk at). Suddenly two people approached me and pointed at the plastic bag i was bringing ( i just bought some bread and groceries) they made a sign language as if they are eating. (the person was a man i guess in his late thirties and the lady was in her late teens). I was quiet confused on what they wanted from me since i couldn't understand what they were talking about. When the man sensed that i just did not get what they were talking about, he suddenly opened the plastic bag i was holding and started sorting out the groceries inside. I was in some sort of a shock and panic since i was not used on strangers doing this to me. I was startled (since if i were in the Philippines, this would already be dangerous specially in a place with few people) and sudden bad thoughts swept over me. The man gestured that the lady was hungry and he needed to give her something to eat. As i looked at the lady (Just a little more than a girl) she was already bowing her head and thanking me a lot of times already. I realized that they needed food. The man took a pack of biscuits and a loaf of bread. Silly me, (or am i really that selfish?) i thought the pack of biscuits would already be enough for the girl so i grab the loaf of bread back from the man and put it inside the bag.(anyway i bought these food for my family) I hurried walking back home since i was still a little shaken.
When i reached the gate of our neighborhood, i began to realize that maybe the man was also hungry and he needed that loaf of bread. ( i still can't forget the feel of his grasp at the bread while i forced to take it back from him). I felt sudden guilt and concern that i ran back to the dark alley hoping i can still get hold of the two but with no avail. How heavy were my footsteps as i went home. How can i be so cold? How can i be so slow in realizing that they are just people who were hungry and seeking for a bit of generosity from me? I hug the plastic bag and felt the loaves of bread inside. There were bottles of water too. I could have willingly gave to them all the bread and the waters. Even the rest of the biscuits.....Do they have a place to sleep tonight? My mind wondered also that maybe they were just robbed (since they are not dressed like beggars) and the robbers took all their money.
Until now, i can't forget that incident. As always, when i remember those people, i feel guilty and so much shame of myself. It would just be impossible to make up to them. Helping other people is not a big help at all. Still, my heart feel so heavy and it makes me so sad. Was God testing me back then and i failed? Was that a lesson to awaken myself? To be sensitive to others? To not just think about myself?
I have always thought i am generous but on that day, i realized i am naturally selfish. For if i was not, my reaction would be pity to those people and would give all i have then without hesitation. Now, if i look at the mirror, i remind myself to keep on changing. Change for the best for i know it is still not too late...